Mums

Hi, I'm sorry this is going to be long. But I haven't slept properly in weeks and I think writing this all down is the only way to release some of the excruciating pain and anger I've had pent up for so many years. As early as I can remember I was physically abused by my mother. I also remember being terrified of my father and if I think too hard I remember other things he did to me...I must have been around 3 years old. I then have to quickly stop thinking in case I lose all control over being able to deal with work life etc. When I was perhaps 4 I remember my mum with blood on her locking the front door after a massive fight with my dad and we all being picked up by the police to go to the station. Afterwards I never saw my dad again, but my mum had some other boyfriends coming over. When I was 14 my mum accused me of flirting with one her creepier ones because we were both watching TV. I felt so dirty and ashamed. Before then as early as 5 my mum would hit me, call me bitch etc and favour my brother. We were also incredibly poor and I was very skinny. At school I was ignored and ostracized by both peers and teachers. I never understood why but now I know it was because I was from a single parent family. Teachers would scream at me, I remember in nursery one sending me out because I dropped a tissue. Consequently I had no friends at school. I also looked different: I had and still have massive curly hair. One kid told me it was sign my hair was damaged. A kids parent said I looked like an Indian (ikr wtf). Anyway basically I grew up never really feeling love except I was so sensitive to other people, I would give away my things, do anything to make others feel better. I think I was desperate for acceptance. I was then bullied at high school. Chewing gum in hair, having hair pulled, called geek, witch etc. I managed to somehow get into university studying engineering despite my mum saying I would be back in a year. However I was a doormat. I had abusive friends, I was put down constantly. I was then effectively groomed by my future supervisor to do a PhD. I had bad vibe about him but my mum told me to do his bidding and that I should be so grateful. What followed was 5 years of hell. I was harassed and bullied by my supervisor, and sexually harassed by others in the research group. One kept groping me in the office and I just accepted that as normal. I thought I was going crazy and that I was the crazy one, that I was too stupid to understand anything etc. My then boyfriend was also a psychopath - he eventually dumped me but then threatened to kill himself if I didn't go back out with him. Because I felt so guilty I went to see him still and he would just use me sexually and one time I asked him to stop and he wouldn't. My friends all said I led him on and they ditched me as well. One of these friends was a girl who plied me with drink and molested me. Another female friend put diazepam in my drinks and would spread rumours about me- I realise now I think she wanted me dead. My supervisor became more aggressive. I started drinking heavily and several times I considered suicide. Eventually I met someone who was so kind. We grew close and I started to realise I was being abused by my supervisor. I submitted a complaint to the university and the university sabotaged the complaint. They made it go on for the longest possible time. I was begging the lead investigator to end it and she just ignored me. In her outcome she said it was my fault. My other supervisor said I was weak and didn't take ownership, implying I deserved the abuse. The evidence was so overwhelming though they had to make him retire. But I never received an apology and my career in academia was over. Somehow I managed to get a job. And then another man decided to target me. He discovered my partner arranged a surprise birthday for me and he wasn't invited. Just to add this guy didn't know my partner and this party was a personal event. Afterwards he would exclude me from all projects and everyone else in my team ignored me too to stay in this bastards good books. I went to HR and it was suggested I go to confidence training. Eventually I handed in my notice after this man threatened me and I couldn't take it anymore. The 3 month hand in notice period was the worst. I was so stressed and ill. I got into an argument with my partner and he kicked in the door. I disassociated just like I did as a child and I decided I would go to Dignitas. I had also discovered my dad had raised a new family after being in prison, and pretended we had never existed. His daughter, my half sister, contacted me and a cousin said he was a loving father. My grandmother also died at this time. I was not very close with her because I couldn't deal with her passive aggressiveness but I had not been to see her for many years and this was because I was a coward and prioritized the shit PhD. I didn't go to her funeral and was in Japan with my partner at an academic conference. I regret this deeply. I decided to go to therapy as a last ditch attempt but I had to register with doctor to do so. That is when I discovered I was 5 months pregnant. My company begged me to stay and told this guy to back off. He did and he pretended that I never existed. He would walk out the room when I entered he would look past me. I STILL do not understand what I did to warrant that. I stayed for a few more months but I couldn't deal with how everyone pretended nothing had happened. Plus they reposition him directly behind me in office. I couldn't deal with being treated by this guy fir no reason. When I asked my line manager why they got defensive and told me to focus on the baby. When I asked HR why she suggested confidence training when I sent to her for help she literally ignored me and had me excluded from the Christmas party and ladies lunch. This is one month after she had wished me well with the baby. During the pregnancy the midwives were psychopaths. When I was in labour they didn't believee because I could talk on the phone. I was in fact 8cm dilated when I turned up at a shitty clinic 10 mins later. It meant I had no epidural despite me desperately making sure I would have access to one beforehand. Afterwards my partner's parents told me off how I was holding the baby. At one point he was screaming in their arms and I was asking them to give him back and they wouldn't. I ALMOST snapped and would just walked out, but again I didn't and just wore the same mask, making sure everyone was comfortable while I was screaming inside. I have a beautiful amazing baby boy. I love him so much but at night I get so angry that I let him go through so much while he was inside because I was such a doormat, weak and pathetic. I think of all these people at my old work and how they could have put me through. I don't understand what I did. I've been described as quiet and gentle by genuine friends. I can't trust anyone. I could have got past my childhood, the PhD but the experience while pregnant has been the final nail in the coffin. I'm so angry to the point that I hit my head and myself and scream into the pillow. Yet I feel so numb. I most people. I don't want to deal with other parents when my son gets old enough to go to school. I don't want him to become anything like me. I also started thinking back to the James Bulger case recently and I can't stop crying and having panic attacks about it. I can't even fathom how scared he must have been and it breaks my heart. I don't know the point of this post. I think I need help. I've been to therapists but I can't talk about my early childhood and I think that is probably where the problem stems. Some of the therapists were awful and manipulative. I am hope writing this will help.