Mums

Hi. First of all I have to tell the whole story of my last two years. I moved to Ireland with my husband. Adapted perfectly but after a while problems from our past surfaced out and long story short, we decided to divorce. Meanwhile I found the love of my life. My ex never wanted kids no matter what and I wanted them but for some stupid reason I was assuring myself that I don't need them. Like I said we split up in the end and that was one of the reasons(my new partner adores kids). Financial reasons kept me in the same house with my ex for 2 months while separated(separated rooms, living like roommates, minor arguing). He used that situation to snap and rape me on Christmas night. I went to garda in the morning and reported it all. Went through hell of examination, questionings and the process is still on after 11 months. (Sometimes I feel like he is gonna go free about it, like nothing happened). I had to move town with my partner, lived in fear for months not knowing what is going on and if he will haunt me, finances a bust, I had very good career now working in fast food for minimum wage)He is living his dream life. Spending money on fancy dinners and going out, having 3000€ holiday while I struggle to pay off the loan that we mutually got but on my name years ago. He of course has a very young attractive girl that is trying to impress.. basically giving her everything that he never gave me in 7 years. We did divorce but the only way to do it was to agree that the loan stays on me. Stupid, i know, but it was the only way. My dad died suddenly, young, in February. I maxed out more of my credit cards to fly home, pay for the funeral etc. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Unbelievably good, heartwarming and lovely news for me and my partner. Found out that I was pregnant while raped(no chance whatsoever that the baby is my ex's). Fearing the whole pregnancy if it's gonna be ok (got day after pill while pregnant, smoked like a chimney 3 months not knowing I was pregnant-found out while 15 weeks). Got extremely high blood pressure and ended up hospitalised 3 times. Last time I was in before labor, three weeks laying on max dose of pills to get the pressure lower and they didn't work. Thank God, she was born 36+6, emergency section(she started dropping severely) but healthy as a clam. Beautiful, perfect baby. She is 11 weeks now. Breastfeeding was horrible in the beginning cause my nipples cracked so bad I was missing parts of them. I didn't wanna give up no matter what. She started being colicky very fast and we are sleeping on the couch in the living room since we came home. I think colic are going away, breasts are fine, now I enjoy feeding her. She won't sleep in the Moses basket or crib no matter what. During the day yes but nights no way. She is on my chest or lately I am teaching her to be by my side at least and it works. My partner works a lot. He is a darling and unbelievably understanding and kind and a good dad. But I just can't tell him that I am depressed. I can't burden him more. It's not fair. I started feeling very sad, depressed, wanna cry all the time. Thinking bout my dad, finances, my ex, rape case, not sleeping properly, started eating more than needed... the only thing I do all day is watch TV, cook and take care of her. I feel unbelievably alone. No one to talk to. I love her indescribable and I would never harm her or me. But I just feel very bad. Is it possible that I just feel this way cause of all the things that happened to me this year? Can I be just overwhelmed? I can't go to therapy cause I don't have a car or money for public transportation or anyone to watch on her while I'm away. I really don't wanna bother my partner. I wanna avoid any meds if possible.. please, I need an advice... can it be that it will pass with time? Will it get easier?