- Started by Sophia on Jun 01, 2020
I'm sorry this is going to be long. But I haven't slept properly in weeks and I think writing this all down is the only way to release some of the excruciating pain and anger I've had pent up for so many years.
As early as I can remember I was physically abused by my mother. I also remember being terrified of my father and if I think too hard I remember other things he did to me...I must have been around 3 years old. I then have to quickly stop thinking in case I lose all control over being able to deal with work life etc. When I was perhaps 4 I remember my mum with blood on her locking the front door after a massive fight with my dad and we all being picked up by the police to go to the station. Afterwards I never saw my dad again, but my mum had some other boyfriends coming over. When I was 14 my mum accused me of flirting with one her creepier ones because we were both watching TV. I felt so dirty and ashamed. Before then as early as 5 my mum would hit me, call me bitch etc and favour my brother. We were also incredibly poor and I was very skinny.
At school I was ignored and ostracized by both peers and teachers. I never understood why but now I know it was because I was from a single parent family. Teachers would scream at me, I remember in nursery one sending me out because I dropped a tissue. Consequently I had no friends at school. I also looked different: I had and still have massive curly hair. One kid told me it was sign my hair was damaged. A kids parent said I looked like an Indian (ikr wtf). Anyway basically I grew up never really feeling love except I was so sensitive to other people, I would give away my things, do anything to make others feel better. I think I was desperate for acceptance.
I was then bullied at high school. Chewing gum in hair, having hair pulled, called geek, witch etc.
I managed to somehow get into university studying engineering despite my mum saying I would be back in a year. However I was a doormat. I had abusive friends, I was put down constantly. I was then effectively groomed by my future supervisor to do a PhD. I had bad vibe about him but my mum told me to do his bidding and that I should be so grateful.
What followed was 5 years of hell. I was harassed and bullied by my supervisor, and sexually harassed by others in the research group. One kept groping me in the office and I just accepted that as normal. I thought I was going crazy and that I was the crazy one, that I was too stupid to understand anything etc. My then boyfriend was also a psychopath - he eventually dumped me but then threatened to kill himself if I didn't go back out with him. Because I felt so guilty I went to see him still and he would just use me sexually and one time I asked him to stop and he wouldn't. My friends all said I led him on and they ditched me as well. One of these friends was a girl who plied me with drink and molested me. Another female friend put diazepam in my drinks and would spread rumours about me- I realise now I think she wanted me dead.
My supervisor became more aggressive. I started drinking heavily and several times I considered suicide.
Eventually I met someone who was so kind. We grew close and I started to realise I was being abused by my supervisor. I submitted a complaint to the university and the university sabotaged the complaint. They made it go on for the longest possible time. I was begging the lead investigator to end it and she just ignored me. In her outcome she said it was my fault. My other supervisor said I was weak and didn't take ownership, implying I deserved the abuse. The evidence was so overwhelming though they had to make him retire. But I never received an apology and my career in academia was over.
Somehow I managed to get a job. And then another man decided to target me. He discovered my partner arranged a surprise birthday for me and he wasn't invited. Just to add this guy didn't know my partner and this party was a personal event. Afterwards he would exclude me from all projects and everyone else in my team ignored me too to stay in this bastards good books. I went to HR and it was suggested I go to confidence training. Eventually I handed in my notice after this man threatened me and I couldn't take it anymore. The 3 month hand in notice period was the worst. I was so stressed and ill. I got into an argument with my partner and he kicked in the door. I disassociated just like I did as a child and I decided I would go to Dignitas. I had also discovered my dad had raised a new family after being in prison, and pretended we had never existed. His daughter, my half sister, contacted me and a cousin said he was a loving father.
My grandmother also died at this time. I was not very close with her because I couldn't deal with her passive aggressiveness but I had not been to see her for many years and this was because I was a coward and prioritized the shit PhD. I didn't go to her funeral and was in Japan with my partner at an academic conference. I regret this deeply.
I decided to go to therapy as a last ditch attempt but I had to register with doctor to do so. That is when I discovered I was 5 months pregnant.
My company begged me to stay and told this guy to back off. He did and he pretended that I never existed. He would walk out the room when I entered he would look past me. I STILL do not understand what I did to warrant that.
I stayed for a few more months but I couldn't deal with how everyone pretended nothing had happened. Plus they reposition him directly behind me in office. I couldn't deal with being treated by this guy fir no reason. When I asked my line manager why they got defensive and told me to focus on the baby. When I asked HR why she suggested confidence training when I sent to her for help she literally ignored me and had me excluded from the Christmas party and ladies lunch. This is one month after she had wished me well with the baby.
During the pregnancy the midwives were psychopaths. When I was in labour they didn't believee because I could talk on the phone. I was in fact 8cm dilated when I turned up at a shitty clinic 10 mins later. It meant I had no epidural despite me desperately making sure I would have access to one beforehand. Afterwards my partner's parents told me off how I was holding the baby. At one point he was screaming in their arms and I was asking them to give him back and they wouldn't. I ALMOST snapped and would just walked out, but again I didn't and just wore the same mask, making sure everyone was comfortable while I was screaming inside.
I have a beautiful amazing baby boy. I love him so much but at night I get so angry that I let him go through so much while he was inside because I was such a doormat, weak and pathetic. I think of all these people at my old work and how they could have put me through.
I don't understand what I did. I've been described as quiet and gentle by genuine friends. I can't trust anyone. I could have got past my childhood, the PhD but the experience while pregnant has been the final nail in the coffin. I'm so angry to the point that I hit my head and myself and scream into the pillow. Yet I feel so numb. I most people. I don't want to deal with other parents when my son gets old enough to go to school. I don't want him to become anything like me.
I also started thinking back to the James Bulger case recently and I can't stop crying and having panic attacks about it. I can't even fathom how scared he must have been and it breaks my heart.
I don't know the point of this post. I think I need help. I've been to therapists but I can't talk about my early childhood and I think that is probably where the problem stems. Some of the therapists were awful and manipulative. I am hope writing this will help.
- Started by AD on May 17, 2020
Looking for some advice. Have been feeling really low since the birth of my girl last year. I experience bad days of crying and once or twice and had thoughts along the lines of leaving or “what would happen if I wasn’t here and how would I do it”. My doctor thinks my feelings are proportional to the current situation of isolation but I worry that it is more than that. Wondering if counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy is useful in PND, or is medication the only route? I would love to feel happy and strong again, for everyone’s sake but not sure where to start. Thank you
- Started by Amanda on May 15, 2020
Hi All, I was diagnosed with PND when my daughter was 20 months old, i have been taking lexapro 20mg since October, i have had some counselling sessions i also speak with my work company doctor and health at work nurse aswell as my own GP. I felt I was starting to feel better in myself but over the last month or so i feel like i am gone backwards, somedays are good days others are really bad,. i feel tired all the time, i have normal conversations with family/friends and my husband but if i was asked what the conversation was about the next day i wouldn't be able to say, I am so disconnected. Has anyone else felt like this?
- Started by Katie on Apr 28, 2020
I am a first time mom my little man is 8 weeks and suffering with colic. Since 3 weeks I feel so low teary and full of dread fear and anxiety daily. I can't or sleep. He's an extra special baby as I had 3 miscarraige prior to this. I'm.on meds but they haven't yet kicked in. I feel so lonely and awful all the time and I hate feeling like this it should be such a happy time..Any advice appreciated and if there is anyone in the same position. Will it ever get easier?
- Started by Aisling on Apr 10, 2020
My little boy is gone 6 months and I have been suffering with pnd since he was about 4 months and I didnt realise until I just broke down last week. I had been putting on a face for everyone and crying by myself at night. Finally broke after my partner begged me to get some help and that things weren't right. Have just started taking medication but i feel in no way fit to return to work. I have absolutely zero motivation to do anything and just tired all of the time. Is anyone else in the same situation?
- Started by Anna W on Dec 30, 2019
I'm looking to start going to meetings to seek some help and understanding. I tried to deal with my mental issues on my own and I hit the wall. Just wonder if tomorrow (New Year Eve) meeting is on in Cork Maternity hospital? Don't want to go all the way to find out no one showed up. I rang number of times the pnd landline but no response.
- Started by Anonymous on Mar 04, 2020
I was at my Gp Monday of last week (10 days ago) as I have pnd and anxiety. He put my on 10mg Lexapro. I'm not sure that it has helped much so far. Does it get worse before getting better?
I'm due back to work in 8 weeks and am returning on promotion. I am unsure that I will be well enough for the extra responsibility and pressure. Has anyone any idea about whether pnd is general sick leave or still pregnancy related? That's if I am not well enough. Also, should I tell my employer the scenario now as they really are depending on me returning due to staffing needs etc.
- Started by Grace on Oct 21, 2019
My baby is now 10 months. I didn’t recognize it at the start but I suffered from depression during the pregnancy and after. I had a traumatic birth but still adored my baby the moment I saw her. I passed off the birth trauma as no big deal and worth everything but as the months went on I became more enraged, anxious and depressed. It won’t lift. I’m doing everything but noting will help. My relationship with my husband is becoming more and more strained. He’s fed up and angry at this illness. He becomes more and more withdrawn from me when really I need his love and support but he’s fed up. Iv tried to talk to family and trusted friends but no one is taking me seriously. Iv thought about suicide many times but the thoughts of leaving my baby is too much. Someone please tell me something to help.
- Started by Anon on Sep 14, 2019
Hi everyone! I’ve just been diagnosed with pnd and prescribed Prozac.. I’m really hoping to continue breastfeeding ( my baby is nearly 5mths) but I’m really worried about medication being passed onto my baby! Just wondering if anyone has any experience or advice for me! It’s my 3rd baby, had pnd with my first but not my 2nd so was really shocked when the awful sense of anxiety, low mood, snappiness and general feeling of being miserable was back! Thank you all. It’s great to know we are not alone with these feelings!
- Started by Anonymous on Aug 03, 2019
I’ve recently been diagnosed with PND,I’ve been suffering from anxiety since my daughter was born but when I stopped breastfeeding her two months ago things got way worse. My daughter is now 18months and I feel like I’m going crazy, everything is a big deal, I cry at the drop of a hat, I’m always exhausted and dizzy and I can’t cope with any kind of confrontation no matter how small.
Has anyone else ever experienced PND in this way ? I have chosen not to take medication as we are trying for another baby and the clock is against me but I’m afraid that counselling alone will not help. Has anyone chosen to go this route ?
Thanks for any help