Reply to Confused and feeling alone

Posted By Flor on Dec 01, 2014

Hi all, I really don't know if I am suffering from pnd or if it's jut the baby blues. I have a beautiful 14week old and I truly love her with all my heart but I just can't seem to find any happiness in myself or in my partner. I do really love him but at times I just want to scream at him I get so angry and I've never been like this before. I cry every day, I just feel like I'm not doing anything right, I can't stand the sight of myself since giving birth, I feel like a hideous stretch mark, wrinkly skin covered monster. Sometimes I wonder if we made a mistake having a baby, then I feel so guilty, a mother shouldn't think of their child as a burden. I just never get a break, he can't help at night he has no patience and gets stressed out and shouts at the baby so I have to look after her every time she gets upset, I can't stand what this has done to us and to me, I have no one to turn to, no friends in his town and family isn't an option. I would love to e able to go for a walk each day but by the time the housework is done and baby is settle its often 4pm before I can shower or even have breakfast, finding it hard to care about food anyway. I can't finish meals and even though she's fast asleep right now I'm wide awake, I'm having about 3/4hours sleep a night, all I keep thinking is how lucky he is he can sleep and still go out to meet his friends or go for a few pints, I don't drive and it's an hour walk to town, I just want to feel happy and enjoy my baby, we were trying to have her for so long I feel like a monster.

Posted By Rachel on Dec 01, 2014

Hi Flor , First of all I can relate to everything that you have said. I have just recently found this website and I find it very comforting to know I am not crazy and that others feel the way that I do too. It's hard when we are in pain to feel like there is any hope but I have found by taking the first steps to reach out it had made me feel a little better. I realise this isn't anything to be ashamed of although I know we beat ourselves up thinking we should be coping better with this massive life change. I am dealing with it myself but I know denying it or trying to hide what I am going through hasn't worked. Please continue to reach out and talk to people. I can tell by you message that you are doing everything you can to cope on your own but you are only human and it's ok to ask for help. I hope you are having a better day today

Posted By Flor on Dec 02, 2014

Thank you Rachel, Today was really tough, she's sickly and teething and we were doing the Christmas present shopping as my partner was off today. I don't know where to start to ask for help. I've tried asking himself but he isn't handling it very well either and then I spend the next few days trying to make him relax and cheer up if I've given him the baby when she's upset. My family aren't around but I have started going to a mother and baby group some weeks. Fingers crossed I get to meet some people that way, my friends are in a different town and they don't have babies so they don't visit anymore really. Thanks for taking the time to reply to me, it is reassuring to know I'm not crazy or evil for not finding everything as perfect and easy as others seem to.

Posted By Rachel on Dec 05, 2014

I know the feeling it can be hard because there doesn't seem to be much going on near me either but I have been forcing myself to continue to reach out. It has helped reading other peoples comments on here because let's face it we are going to beat ourselves up for feeling this way. Not too sure where you are based but you can ad me on fb if you want to stay in touch ?