Kinda nervous to post this but here it goes, I know I will be met with support and understanding from you all. I think I might have postnatal depression but I don’t know. Lately I’ve been feeling really strange. My Mom is currently battling cancer and it all kicked off really abruptly with her being healthy enough and then one day ended up in ICU on a ventilator after her bowel ruptured. They then found a tumour and she now has a ileostomy bag and has lost her hair and so much weight. It’s been so quick and painful for me to watch as she is my best friend and we have no answer about how long she will live. My dad also suffers with depression and has dystonia so I have this sense of guilt when I go home to my house and leave them there. I’m all day every day thinking about my mom and just waiting for more bad news. I’m really struggling with it. I recently started back at work and have been offered a promotion since I returned which is great but I just feel like I’m on autopilot, I don’t relate to any of the girls I work with and feel like they don’t like me every much. I just feel like I can’t be myself around them and I come off cold. It’s like I’m overthinking every situation working along side them and I’ve lost all social capability, which is very strange for me. I don’t feel suicidal at all, like my daughter and husband are my life, I love them so much and they make me so happy but I feel like I’m having an out of body experience all the time. I feel like I can’t be affectionate to my husband as I don’t feel attractive since having my baby and I know it hurts him that I’m like this. I’m eating crap too, just not filling my body with the fuel I need but I just feel so bloody miserable and lost! I know I should go to my GP and get help in some way but I honestly can’t afford the €65 visit and I know she will suggest counseling but I can’t afford it. I also don’t want to go on medication. I’m just wondering will this feeling lift, will of get worse? I’m just scared I’m losing who I am and becoming a shell of my former self. Help!
Please just believe you are and will be okay. Talk to anyone who you know will support you and listen to you and your fears. You are not alone although it may feel that way. Look at all the previous posts. I posted once just seeking reassurance that I could feel better and I do now. Be gentle and compassionate to yourself don't beat yourself up over how you feel. Try to find someone that will support you. You will be surprised how many women have been in a similar situation. For some reason there is such silence around this and it leads to further feelings if guilt and worthlessness. Please just have faith in your inner strength and tell yourself you are doing okay.
Well done. You've done the first major thing, you've noticed a difference and reached out for help. If only everyone was as self aware as you. Of course you feel outside of yourself, how could you not with all that going on. Meditation helps bring you back into your body, feel your feet on the ground and breathe. There are lots of meditations on youtube. Pick short ones. Do one each night before you sleep. Ask your partner to do it with you. Tell each other three things in the day that you are grateful for at the end of each day, it might be that you someone gave you a smile, that you got a parking spot etc etc. The Irish Cancer Society offer free counselling services, also for family members of cancer patients. This is an incredibly tough time for you. Try cope with one thing at a time. Talk to your partner and make sure to let him know, it's not him, it's you. You feel unattractive no matter what he says. You can't work on that right now because you want to try and help yourself through the mum/cancer debacle. Be honest and open with him otherwise he won't understand your rejection of him. It's unlikely your GP will first put you onto tablets, especially if you are resistant. My one piece of advice regarding that issue is this: if your arm is broken, you will put it in a sling. It won't heal your break but it will put your arm in the best position to heal. Tablets can be a sling for your brain, they won't change your thoughts but can give you a foundation upon which to view those thoughts in a healthy way, rather than being run by them. At the minute you are a leaky bucket trying to carry water and tablets could block a few holes and help you keep hydrated and then you can start to mend yourself. Get out for a walk every day. Feel your feet on the ground, look at people you pass in the eye, wish them well in your head, notice nature and the elements. Best of luck to you.
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