PND and guilt

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Posted By Anon original poster on Sep 07, 2019

Hi Anon, thanks for your reply. How long did it take for you to feel back to yourself? I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time in your marriage. Have you spoken to your husband about the change you are feeling?

Posted By Anonymous on Sep 05, 2019

Hi everyone, I am a mam of 2 children (girl 8 and baby boy 7 months). I was diagnosed with PND when my son was 3 months and was referred to counselling and put on tablets. I was never a person to shy away from my feelings but i just put everything down to the baby blues as i did not suffer with PND with my first child. I had brought my baby in for his first lot of injections and the nurse noticed straight away there was something wrong with me. she was very kind and told me to look for help and to come back if i wanted to speak to someone. it shocked me that a practical stranger had noticed it in me but my family hadn't. the following week was a check up with the health nurse and she told me that I had PND after a quick questionnaire and asked me to go to my GP as she would be speaking to him about it. It took me a month to get myself together and realise i couldn't just ride this wave anymore, i needed to get help for the sake of my family and most importantly myself. While the tablets have definitely put in better form from day to day, i still have good days and bad days. Counselling is wrapping up at the moment, only 1 more session left, and although I have learned a few bits about myself and given me food for thought I still feel horrifically low. My partner is doing the best he can but I just don't think he understands the extent of how much PND can effect you. I find i snap the head off him for no reason and don't have the energy to play with my daughter. And so on top of the PND comes the guilt, I feel guilty that I am not well, I feel guilty that I should be happy but for some reason I'm depressed. I am out sick from work as I was to return to work the beginning of July. The thoughts of work sets me into a panic. Which is unusual because i used to like my job, although it was stressful from time to time. I feel I cannot face work and leaving the kids and house all week. How would I get everything done and spend time with the kids and my partner without spiraling into a deeper depression? Has anyone ever felt like this and returned to work? How did it go? Then there's guilt that the main financial responsibility is on my partners shoulders. Please tell me I am not the only one who if after counselling and anti depressants (high dosage) and time of work still feels like crap? At this point I feel broken and won't be able to ever put the pieces back together.

Posted By Anon on Sep 07, 2019

I can relate to some. I need to work to help pay bills and i like my job. I also knew that being just a mum and a wife isnt for me. I didnt want to lose myself and at some point i did and i missed myself. So i wanted to look in the mirror amd like what i see. My PND was bad, i got counselling and got back to myself. Changed jobs but as i commute to work i dont see our daughter who is 3 till 9pm. Its killing me. And i also find marriage hard. I feel like this man no longer understands me and i feel like the marriage has run its course. We have been together nearly 8 years, married 4 and a lot has happened in those years. It made us stronger but i also think it made us think that we are too different for each other.

Posted By Anonymous on Sep 07, 2019

Address your issues with counselor and ur husband. U have created a routine and dont want to leave it which is understandable. But u cant wrap ur kids in cotton woll and u do need to see outside of ur 4 walls. Plus with extra income ull be more flexible to do what u want. Imagine not relying on husbands money and doing smth fun with kids? Or getting ur nails done? That thinking can help u. Its impossible to get everything done. I was at home all day every day and didnt have it done as its impossible. Yes house is messy but its not all ur job. When u work ur husband will share the chores as ull be working too and it wont overwhelm u.

Posted By Anon original poster on Sep 07, 2019

Thank you for your replies. I know it is not all my job for the household stuff and my partner does pull is weight. I just think when/if i return to work it will create friction between us, especially if i am still suffering as i have quite a short fuse anyway and things get to my easily. I love my partner and have no doubt that he is the one for me and i love our little family, I would hate to see anything destroy that and our relationship. I did try go get my hair done and nails, but all i felt was guilty for leaving the kids and spending money even though we could afford it at the time. Work was something i liked but it was also something i felt necessary as I was a single mother with my first child. I can honestly say it never made me feel like i was doing something for myself and it was good for me to be out of the house. I used to think having a career was the b all and end all of everything but now i am feeling that time with my children is where i need to be. but then again the guilt comes in that i should be helping financially. I am just very confused as to what is best for my family and for my mental health. The PND brought forward ALOT of issues from my past I thought i had dealt with but i hadn't. My self esteem is at rock bottom, something i have dealt with for most of my life. Yesterday I found the energy to do my hair properly and put on a bit of make up, trying to boost myself a bit. I have to say I felt even more self conscious than i had in a long time. I had people say to me "why are you wearing make up?", "where are you going?" etc. Not one compliment, so i came home feeling like i shouldnt have bothered my a**e! I just feel broken and the pieces will not fit back together.

Posted By Anon original poster on Sep 07, 2019

Hi Anonymous, thanks for your reply. I don't think i am wrapping the kids in cotton wool, i just don't want to miss out on anything with them, while i'm not well or at work. Extra income would obviously be a massive help and my partner is supporting me if i decide going back to work isn't for me, but i don't necessarily think money makes you happy in the long run. I'm very confused as to what would make the family happy as well as my mind. I know I am not ready to go back to work yet either ways.

Posted By Anonymous on Oct 11, 2019

Hello, I can relate to this. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt all the time. No matter how my day goes or how I try to look at things. I feel guilty for not being my normal self and not seeking help because Im ashamed. I worry to about my husband who is great and how he is through all of this again..more guilt. Its a vicious circle. One day at a time I guess, if you feel more comfortable at home thats where you should be for now.Thanks for your post. X

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