Reply to Am I depressed or just broken???

Posted By Anonymous on Jul 06, 2018

Ok I don’t know where to start!!! I don’t know if I’m depressed or just failing as a mother and a wife!!!! I have 3 beautiful boys, 4 year old, 18 month old and 17 day old. I love them to no end. After my first I’ve suffered with doubly incontinent (which I manage myself) and 2 further sections!!! Things that have been said to me by my mother in law especially stick in my head!!! With my first (who suffered awful colic hence the gap) I was told he when he was crying “he didn’t need me”!!! With my second, my inlaws arrived and my husband had to bring them home so I insisted he stayed the night and had a night out (st Stephens night) with his friends. I was questioned about my ability to “cope”!!! With my third she told me I wouldn’t “manage” if my husband and eldest son went to a match for a day when this baby was 12 days old!!!! Not to mind that was after housing and bedding and feeding all 10 of them for 2 days!!! I can’t look at myself in the mirror!!! I have a section wound infection and it’s slightly open, it smells and I feel like everyone can smell it!!!!! I’m still so sore, obviously from infection and the weekend catching up on me. I then got asked by my mother in law what day we would b up at the weekend!!! I’m nit a machine, I have no replacement batteries!! Not able to sit in a car for over 2 hour drive! I’m still getting to know my son and my 18month old is teething bad so when they cry I want to comfort them and not b judged on my ability to be a mother. My husband got annoyed with me today when all I want is a hug and be listened to!! I came out of PHN (who is lovely) and told my husband that she asked if I had a shower today cuz she could smell my wound and I did, I have at least 3 a day!! I just cried and told him and he said it’s an infection and it’ll clear up!! He’s been off with me all day cuz I said I didn’t want to talk cuz I was upsetting him and making him annoyed. Went to my parents house and he said I made an issue cuz I got teary eyed when I told my mother about my wound!!! It can’t just b the wound and the comments and the doubting myself. It has to b something else and I’m so lonely. I don’t want it to affect my kids like my childhood has affected me. My 4 year old gave me the biggest hug today when I was teary eyed. I just want to b able to talk to my husband but I guess I can’t. I don’t know what to do and I wish I could snap out of it and not sit here crying.

Posted By Anonymous on Jul 09, 2018

Just allow yourself to be. This is how you feel. Don't judge yourself. Be nice to you. You have endured so much in such a short period of time. You can only do the best you can do. Your four year old hugged you. He didn't learn that compassion and kindness by himself..take credit for what you can do and are doing. Be kind to yourself and find kind people who will listen and NOT judge. I had pnd but that does mean you do. Be patient and don't panic yourself. Take it a day or an hour or even a minute at a time. Trust in yourself.

Posted By Karen on Jul 13, 2018

Dear you are not broken, not one bit. You have your mothering method and your instinct and you are being told by your support system (i.e. your mother in law and your husband) that it is not right. It is incredibly hard to assert yourself as a mother, especially in the face of immediate family or close friends. It is the aspect of being a parent I have found the most difficult. It makes you feel confused and question yourself. This results in a lack of confidence which makes you less likely to assert yourself and feel that you are doing the "right' thing. I don't know what your relationship with your partner or mother in law is like and it probably isn't useful to comment on as you cannot change other peoples' behaviour, only your own and how you react to theirs. What helped me assert myself and not feel guilty was this: I am the only voice for my baby. I am the only one who truly knows his needs. I spend 24/7 with my baby, read up on parenting articles, talk to other parents etc. Therefore I am the expert. Not my partner, not my relatives, not my friends. Me. I am the only person that knows this baby to this extent. When other people spend the time I spend with this baby and have the instinct I was gifted as a woman, then I will defer to them. They have the best of intentions, but I have the best experience, instinct and expertise in this wee one. If a situation makes me uncomfortable because, ultimately, I believe it will make my baby suffer in some way, then it is up to me to stand up for my baby. Not for myself but for what I know to be true for my baby. The moment I phrase it as standing up for my baby's needs, I am like a mama bear, ain't nothing getting past me. It's my way. Sometimes I don't understand why I say what I say or do what I do, that is because my instinct is so fast, I just instinctively know. It takes time, practice and unfortunately, arguments, but eventually you get there. Your support people realise it's your way. - I talk to my partner about my needs. It helps to avoid saying "you", you do this or that and it makes... Instead I say, I need help and this is what makes my life easier....When my dinner is made, it means I can relax for 30mins and can deal with the night ahead...etc. When I remove accusation or blame, it makes the conversation easier. - To people who parent differently to me (i.e. mother in law) I say directly, "I need your help, will you please help me? I want to do this my way and I need your help. Will you please do XYZ for me?" People rarely say no to a direct request for help. They also rarely respond with a sentence to a yes or no answer question especially if introduced with the phrase, will you help me. I hope these practical tips help. There is nothing at all wrong with you. You are a strong, excellent mama who needs more support, not advice and negativity. Good luck. XX