Am I imagining it?

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Posted By on May 22, 2016

My baby is 3 months old. I love her and I love my husband so much but my brain hurts from trying not to cry. Firstly, I never wanted children. But my husband considered it a deal breaker and after a lot of serious consideration I agreed, my mother was a real mammy and my sister who had an unplanned teenage pregnancy turned out to be unbelievably maternal so I thought it would be alright. My husband's brother is the main caregiver to his children as his wife is not really maternal either, we often discussed that our family would need to be like that if we went ahead with it. What a donkey I was. I believed him and it turns out he was just nodding and agreeing, believing that once the baby arrived I would turn into his own mother. He works away during the week (always did, I don't complain about this) but when he comes home at the weekend he prioritises the farm and his friends and what he considers his entitlement to a few pints. He will rock in on Friday, lift her, have a laugh, then pass her back and head out to feed cows. His weekend is taken up with anything but us. He regularly leaves the house to do something and doesn't return until the next morning. I appreciate very much that he's the only one working (I am not entitled to maternity pay) which is a lot of pressure, but it hurts that I'm last on the list. Secondly, I'm terrified. I've been terrified from the moment I discovered I was pregnant and it hasn't let up. I knew I'd be like this which is exactly why I never wanted kids. I'm 7 yrs older than my youngest brother and as our mother died when we were young I've always felt like he was "mine". He's 27 now and I lie awake nights worrying that something will happen him. So obviously this has now also happened with my daughter .... I knew it would. I have a sick feeling of terror in my stomach constantly, I feel certain something will happen to her. I can't visualise her grown up because I'm certain she will die. It haunts me. I don't think this qualifies as "depression" though. I'm tired but only a reasonable amount. I don't have a problem getting up with her in the morning. I love her dearly and would do anything to prevent harm to her. What is this? I don't want to hop on a pnd bandwagon if everyone feels like this. But I don't want to waste the first months of her life crying if there is a little tablet or whatever that can just ping me back to normality.

Posted By Mags on May 25, 2016

OHG you have a lot going on, I can feel your anger with your Husband and I think you have every right, this is not good enough he is the Father and needs to spend more time with both of you, he is entitled to a few pints but that is Friday night what about Sat & Sun you must tell him how you feel. He encourgaged you to have this baby he has responsibility as well. I can relate to your anxiety, I felt the same always worrying, this is not helping you must look on posotives and take one day at a time. I found getting out of the house and getting exercise helped me to clear my head. Dont know what you mean about Postnatal depression bandwagon and that a little pill will ping you back to reality. I think you are very much in reality you know whats wrong and you need to talk to your husband about it. You love your Daughter that is obvious, you need to be there for her. Have you talked to your Public Health Nurse and your GP? Have you a friend you can confide in?

Posted By Emah on May 26, 2016

General Anxiety Disorder! Rarly discussed , people will speak about panic attacks etc, but an anxiety disorder is as serious as depression that needs treatment, it ranges from extreme worrying to social phobia not leaving house etc ! There is also post partum anxiety, again never spoken of. Very frustrating and consuming when you feel you do not fit into the category of depression yet you know it's not right what you are experiencing! You really need to speak to a GP or phn, but if you even look up anxiety disorders you might be surprised to see you may relate to it! As for men, oh dear god what a let down they are. Unplanned baba here too. All I can say is they get more involved once baby in toddler stage as more fun stage ! But punt let him walk all over you and you will have to take the opportunity to say I am going to meet my friends, walk, cinema, anything and you will be looking after her tomorrow . If you wait for them to give you break you will be waiting like me for over a year before went for drink with friends. You need to make an action plan, it's very hard to bond with baby when you don't get any break to establish you from baby!

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