We had an unplanned pregnancy when I was in the last 3 months of my masters degree. I was never diagnosed, because being at uni in another county meant I was never able to get to my GP, but I believe I had ante and now post natal depression. I've had depression throughout my life so I know what it is. Now I'm in a job I hate and had to take to facilitate life with a baby. She's 19 months and the best thing ever. But I'm empty. I feel shortchanged for having to give up the life I was so close to having after the degree (was not able to pursue a career in what I studied due to the nature of the industry, media- lack of stability starting out) and am now stuck with paying off college fees for the next 5 years. We can't save for a house or afford to get engaged. And I feel I've shortchanged her because I wasn't ready to be a parent, and I'm not a great example because I messed up and didn't succeed. And I wasn't strong enough to persevere and make my own career despite of it all. I'm a completely different person to who I was before I got pregnant and I don't like who I am now. And that's the version of me she's getting and I hate that. I'm also not being good enough for my partner, and we have pretty much shut ourselves off from each other and are more like room mates. It's gotten to a point where I can't keep doing any of it, and I need to fix it so we can all be happy and live the lives we deserve. I just don't know how to go about doing it exactly. I eat well, exercise, journal, but nothing has helped so far. I have been on medication before and I don't like it, so would not be willing to go there again. I also have pretty bad physical issues since having her, and may need surgery on my hip/pelvis. So constant pain and discomfort isn't helping either. Anyone have a similar experience, or advise?
Emma you have been through so much and are so hard on yourself. I am sorry you didnt get the life you hope for but you must not give up, if you want something hard enough you will succeed. You have a beautifull baby and that means so much and yes they do change your life. A lot of us get pregnant when we are not ready but maybe whenwe would be ready something else would go wrong, you must go with the flow and I am very sure that you are a fantastic Mum you have to stop looking back and make plans and look to the future. You cant change the past. Jobs can be changed yo9u need to get some advice around this. Of course your life has changed you are now a Mum of a beautifull daughter, she comes first. It is hard working, being a Mum and a partner every day is so tiring and its easy not to make an effort but you must try, organise a sitter and get out to gether even if only for a drink. I am sure it is the depression talking not you. I know a lot of us dont like taking medication have you tried CBT or Mindfullness, ask your Public H Nurse or your GP, I found CBT very helpfull and changed my way of thinking for the better. Just know you not on your own and try to be easier on yourself, take one day at a time and dont make any rash decissions while you unwell.
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I know a bit of what you are going through and the guilt of feeling bad about resenting at times what life was supposed to be. I had hoped to go back to college, money always issue and just when thought might be, found out expecting and felt like biggest loser who was so stupid let alone bring a poor child into an u fortunate set of circumstances. But determined to get back , biggest regret having to write my occupation on birth cert, felt so ashamed and worthless despite beautiful baby girl!