No shame in having PND - but it is a hard road!!

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Posted By Claire on Nov 17, 2014

Hi Everyone, Just discovered this site and wanted to share my story with anyone who has concern over there own mental health. I was an extremley outgoing fun person, always the person cracking the jokes on a night out, life was fun and i loved it. I never thought i would be one of many who would suffer with depression in my life. I recall going to my first hospital appointment and getting a pack. In the pack was a PND leaflet, i didnt even read it - me? no way! The lead up to my due day, i worked hard, i had a stressful job - ambitious career woman, stayed away in hotesl alot but loved my job. Due day came, 10 days over - induction, i can honestly say i was tramuatised after the birth of my son. laboured all the way , then emergency C section - i had NO idea how hard it would all be. Then there he was, this beautiful little 10lb bundle looking at me - and i was zoned out. I should have known, i had constant high when i was in hospital - was on TOP of the world, hyper, couldnt sleep at night, in the hospital or at home. WIRED to the moon - then the PHN called and advised me to try rest. My husband did the ngiht feeds, but i got up each time to make sure he did it right. OCD kicked in, i had to keep the house spotless, everything had to be right for my baby, he slept and i cleaned, no one could feed him right, no one could hold him right. Resentment kicked in, bad thoughts entered my head - did i love him? did he love me? Am i showing him enough love? I felt cold, tired and useless. it caught up on me, i stoped showering everyday like a used too, i avoided going out, i felt ugly, smelly, concious! I felt everyone stared at me in a restaurant when i held my baby, or fed him - was i doing it right, am i been judged? Anxiety kicked in- it felt like my nerves shook in public. If he cried, i just tightened up, it was like a tremendous stress to try and console him. My husband had no idea, i hid it well, but i snapped at him, was constantly downing his ability to mind our son. He couldnt do anything right. One night, 3 months in, i sat on her bed and i cried, boy did i cry - i wanted to end the pain i was causing him, me, our son. I never harmed him, but i had disturbing thoughts of someone taking him away, kidnapping him - how would i feel if that happened, would i be sad? That was the end for me- i went to counselling that week, then to my GP whent on lexapro immediately. It took awhile, had to increase the dose, but 11 months on i feel a little normal. I am stressed with my line of work, but i juggle,its difficult and only a few weeks ago i could actually handle my son in public if he was upset, with the feeling of PANIC come over me. I am not there yet, but i am getting there. There is NO shame in have PND, it can happend ANYONE. IT had been a long road, with lots of bends and will continue to be but my son is amazing, i love him more and more each day.

Posted By Anne on Nov 18, 2014

My story is so like yours, I thought I was never going to come out the other end and as you said it was a very long road with lots of twists. The anxiety was so bad with me night and day everyday felt like a week. Pnd a terrible illness and robs you of so much, I lost the first year of my babies life my marriage nearly fell apart. Lots of women still do feel shame which is so sad as it is an illness.

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