PND - My Story

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Posted By Anonymous on Mar 06, 2020

Iv tried to write this post on a few occasions but I couldn’t fully articulate what I wanted to say so here we go ! Lying in the hospital with a bandage around my arm and hooked up to a drip I thought to myself how did I get here. 15 months before this I walked out of the same hospital with a loving partner and beautiful healthy baby. I had a long difficult labour that ended in an emergency c section, post partum haemorrhage, multiple blood transfusions, an infection and also a problem with my stomach which meant I had to fast for 48 hours. That’s right no tea & toast as promised ! The worst of all this was ending up in acute care which meant my baby and I were separated for our 1st night. The moment she was handed to me I immediately tried to breast feed. I might not have had the birth plan but I was intent on breast feeding. Even the lactation consultant looked awkward after another unsuccessful attempt, bloodied nipple and pretty much all midwives on duty having a go at trying to help my baby to latch but it wasn’t the latch it was the milk. It never came in because of the blood loss after the labour. If I could describe post natal depression and PTSD as a graph it would be like the stock markets in 2008. Debilitating anxiety, rage, mood swings and finally depression that persisted right through my daughters first birthday. I reached out to everyone. GP, nurse in my gp office, 2 different councellors, 3 qychs doctors. I tried 4 different anti depressants, CBD oil, Xanax, sleeping tablets. I was so desperate at one point I nearly went to see a medium ! Things got so bad my relationship with my partner broke down. We were actively planning a self build and a wedding. All our dreams ripped away because of this dark horrible depression that in my partners words stole the woman he fell in love with. So that’s what led me to taking an overdose and hurting my arm. This didn’t just happen this happened after months of begging and pleading for help. I had no dignity left, I felt worthless and I genuinely believed I was a bad mother for feeling this way and that my baby and partner would be better off without me. I would love to say everything started to get better after that incident at the hospital but it didn’t. In fact it got worse but I won’t scare you because all of this has led me to writing this post. By chance one day I was yet again standing in my doctors office. I should of had shares in his practice for all the money I handed over to him through countless visits. I saw this leaflet stuffed amoung other leaflets. Nurture Health. I gave the number a call and Irene picked up. It was a Friday afternoon and weekends were always my worst, I don’t know why. Maybe because I knew people I might need to call on would be out of the office. Irene read me out a statement and apart from one detail I said my god you are reading out me. Honestly this statement was how I was feeling. I was like this puzzle smashed to pieces since the day my baby was born. People had tried to put me back together but it’s like when your jamming pieces of a puzzle that don’t fit and then you throw some sellotape at it in the hope that might just work. Irene put me in touch with one of the councellors. I walked out of our first session like I had been put back together again. No prescriptions, no referrals, no judgement just listening and complete and utter understanding. I don’t know what I would of done if I never found that leaflet and I often wonder and worry at the women out there who aren’t so solution driven as me. If finding solutions despite countless failure wasn’t part of what I do for a living, I too could of been a stat in woman who commit suicide following PND. Finally after 15 months with the help of this amazing organisation I can begin to heal. Your not a bad mum, it’s not your fault, you didn’t cause this and you can move on from this. Thank you for reading.

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