Reply to No shame in having PND - but it is a hard road!!

Posted By Claire on Nov 17, 2014

Hi Everyone, Just discovered this site and wanted to share my story with anyone who has concern over there own mental health. I was an extremley outgoing fun person, always the person cracking the jokes on a night out, life was fun and i loved it. I never thought i would be one of many who would suffer with depression in my life. I recall going to my first hospital appointment and getting a pack. In the pack was a PND leaflet, i didnt even read it - me? no way! The lead up to my due day, i worked hard, i had a stressful job - ambitious career woman, stayed away in hotesl alot but loved my job. Due day came, 10 days over - induction, i can honestly say i was tramuatised after the birth of my son. laboured all the way , then emergency C section - i had NO idea how hard it would all be. Then there he was, this beautiful little 10lb bundle looking at me - and i was zoned out. I should have known, i had constant high when i was in hospital - was on TOP of the world, hyper, couldnt sleep at night, in the hospital or at home. WIRED to the moon - then the PHN called and advised me to try rest. My husband did the ngiht feeds, but i got up each time to make sure he did it right. OCD kicked in, i had to keep the house spotless, everything had to be right for my baby, he slept and i cleaned, no one could feed him right, no one could hold him right. Resentment kicked in, bad thoughts entered my head - did i love him? did he love me? Am i showing him enough love? I felt cold, tired and useless. it caught up on me, i stoped showering everyday like a used too, i avoided going out, i felt ugly, smelly, concious! I felt everyone stared at me in a restaurant when i held my baby, or fed him - was i doing it right, am i been judged? Anxiety kicked in- it felt like my nerves shook in public. If he cried, i just tightened up, it was like a tremendous stress to try and console him. My husband had no idea, i hid it well, but i snapped at him, was constantly downing his ability to mind our son. He couldnt do anything right. One night, 3 months in, i sat on her bed and i cried, boy did i cry - i wanted to end the pain i was causing him, me, our son. I never harmed him, but i had disturbing thoughts of someone taking him away, kidnapping him - how would i feel if that happened, would i be sad? That was the end for me- i went to counselling that week, then to my GP whent on lexapro immediately. It took awhile, had to increase the dose, but 11 months on i feel a little normal. I am stressed with my line of work, but i juggle,its difficult and only a few weeks ago i could actually handle my son in public if he was upset, with the feeling of PANIC come over me. I am not there yet, but i am getting there. There is NO shame in have PND, it can happend ANYONE. IT had been a long road, with lots of bends and will continue to be but my son is amazing, i love him more and more each day.

Posted By Anne on Nov 18, 2014

My story is so like yours, I thought I was never going to come out the other end and as you said it was a very long road with lots of twists. The anxiety was so bad with me night and day everyday felt like a week. Pnd a terrible illness and robs you of so much, I lost the first year of my babies life my marriage nearly fell apart. Lots of women still do feel shame which is so sad as it is an illness.